I applaud your courage and your fortitude. My answer to your question here is NO, you are not that bad. In fact, I am grateful you are here. I have learned from you and I learn from you. This article is a perfect example of the type of vulnerability and authenticity is required to write.
My answer tp this question is, as I understand it not as important and the answer you reveal to yourself. It’s like Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right!”
Blessings to you and thank you for being who you are!